Breaking Down Steppenwolf’s Plan to Get His Man Back

Warning: Spoilers for Zack Snyder’s Justice League

If you have seen the highly coveted Snyder Cut of Justice League, then you now have a better understanding of Steppenwolf’s motivations for coming to Earth. What would appear as a man…robot…alien…just doing his job, was really just a heartbroken lover trying to get his man back.  In this satirical piece, I will breakdown Steppenwolf’s plan to win back the heart of Darkseid.

Meet Steppenwolf 

I know, he’s no longer the threatening yet incredibly sexual beast we used to love.

hubba hubba

Anyways, Steppenwolf lived on the warm planet of Apokolips and worked for its ruler, Darkseid.

This is Darkseid 

Steppenwolf has been by Darkseid’s side for a long time but for reasons we don’t know, Steppenwolf betrayed his beloved ruler!

The New York Times Suspends Graphic Novel Bestseller Lists | The Mary SueShocked? Us too!

Whatever Steppenwolf did was so bad, that Darkseid banished him from Apokolips. However, Steppenwolf would not take his banishment lightly. He would find a way to return home and get his man back!

His plan: to give him gifts! But not just any gifts, gifts that will show how sorry he is and how much he is willing to fight for this relationship.

Grand Gift Number 1: Earth 

Many many years ago, Darkseid went to Earth to conquer it. Unfortunately, the citizens of Earth were NOT down for it. An army of men, Amazons, Atlanteans, Gods, and one (1) Green Lantern all came together to take down Darkseid. Even with Darkseid’s mother boxes, he was no match for Earth’s strongest forces.

Just look at this guy, so mighty.

Darkseid had to retreat and leave the mother boxes behind. A great shame for the great ruler of Apokolips. So, giving him the planet he failed to conquer (and somehow lost the address of) could be a great gesture. Plus his mother boxes are on Earth too. Two gifts for the price of one!

Grand Gift 2: Mother Boxes 

Box mommy

Steppenwolf’s plan is to retrieve the 3 boxes to form the unity, that way he will have enough power to take over Earth and present it to Darkseid. Should be simple enough. He easily retrieved the box the Amazons had, with only two left to go.

Only by doing so, he made his presence known, which caught the attention of these people:

Earth’s new defenders.

So Steppenwolf checks back in on Apokolips, hoping to hear how Daddy Darkseid is doing. His liason: Desaad.

This is Desaad. Also reduced in sexiness from previous versions. RIP. 

Desaad lets Steppenwolf know that while this a good plan, it is only a start. He would have to give Darkseid 500,000 worlds to make up for his betrayal. He must have done something really BAD! Desaad offers Steppenwolf a word of advice: HURRY  TF UP!

Heeding Desaad’s advice, he then gets the mother box that the Atlanteans were safeguarding. But he’s having a hard time finding the last one, the one of man. AKA the one they initially hid maybe six feet deep in a forest, making it what should be the easiest one to yoink.  Steppenwolf asks the mother boxes for help and they show him a vision of when Darkseid was on Earth. In this vision, we see that Darkseid discovered the anti-life equation. The most extravagant gift of all!

Darkseid takes over a facetime call with Steppenwolf to let him know- if you succeed, I’ll come to Earth to get that anti-life equation and maybe we talk about reconciling. As you can see, Steppenwolf is happy to see Darkseid.

Now with a burning fire in his heart, he is even more motivated to succeed! Steppenwolf finally gets the last mother box and begins the process to form the unity. While on Apokolips, Darkseid and his army are getting ready to head to Earth.

However, Steppenwolf keeps forgetting about one major factor:

These guys again.

Steppenwolf and the parademons do a good job at fighting off the Justice League. They even manage to keep Cyborg from separating the mother boxes! It looks like his plan has succeeded and he’s about to get his man! But, Steppenwolf forgot about one important factor.

This one can change time. 

Barry Allen does what we all know he does best a lot- he changes the timeline. He goes back far enough in time to help Cyborg and Superman break up the unity. Steppenwolf’s plan has failed! To make matters worse, he gets his head chopped off by Wonder Woman.

However, in the end, he did make it back home to Apokolips and Darkseid when they tossed his head through the portal. Not the reunion he’d hoped for though. 

Steppenwolf’s Plan Report Card
Dedication: A+
Thoughtfulness: A+
Sincerity: A+
Execution: D

Steppenwolf truly did try his best to get back into Darkseid’s good graces but he underestimated his opponents. We hope that Darkseid will see Steppenwolf’s love and efforts and try to avenge him in an upcoming film. But something tells us he’s got his eyes set on someone else:

Henry Cavill's New Shirtless Superman Justice League Photo Arrived Just In Time For The Witcher Hype - CINEMABLENDWho could blame him?

What do you think of Steppenwolf’s plan? What could he have differently to succeed? Or should he simply have let Darkseid go? Share your thoughts with us in the comments and online.


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About Author

Yali Perez

When she's not writing about anime for Funimation, pop culture for Fandom Spotlite, sharing emotional editorials on Renegade Media, or talking about makeup on the YMUB Podcast, she is a single mom to the coolest kid in the world. In Yali's free time she likes to bake, exercise, watch Korean Variety shows, and read cheesy erotica. Yali's goal as a writer is to share her nontraditional and colorful view of the world with readers everywhere.

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