Bad Movie Challenge: The Octagon

Watch Octagon, The | Prime Video

Let’s get the jokes out of the way:

  • When Chuck Norris divides, there are no remainders.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
  • Why is 6 afraid of Chuck Norris? Because Chuck Norris 8 9.

You gotta love a great Chuck Norris joke. You also gotta love a good/bad Chuck Norris movie. With that, I present to you The Browning, aka The Octagon, a lazy khaki square movie that cuts all the corners for maximum cheesiness. Not only does this have one of the greatest kill counts for a Chuck Norris film (Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends), it should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Amount of Brown Colorscape in Cinema History!”

The Octagon with Chuck Norris

Bullet Points: The Octagon – BULLETPROOF ACTION

On the grand scale of Chuck Norris movies (If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1) The Browning, aka The Octagon is a spacious little 103 minutes of mustache only Chuckles doing what he does best: opening a can of Whoopass (Popeye eats cans of Chuck Norris for strength). This film gets to showcase his talents, not only as an actor (“They’re not terrorists! They’re NINJAS!”) but also his incredible range as a voice actor! For some (lame) reason, they felt a movie with swords, ninjas, and roundhouse kicks needed to be more in-depth and analytical, so when Chuck Norris is thinking, we have the pleasure of hearing his random thoughts with a voice-over (Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”)

As for the plot of this sepia-stained masterpiece, Ol’ Chuckles is a retired karate champion who falls into dealing with an international ninja cult that widens their scope to enter into global terrorism. If you can follow it, good for you. If you can’t, good for you. Either way, you paid your money to see Chuck Norris kill a few ninjas with his fists of fury and the movie doesn’t let you down (when Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down). Directed by Eric Carson, who went on to give us classics like Opposing Force and the Van-Damme-age classic Black Eagle (and who also likes the color scale of that brown floral couch your grandmother bought in 1972), this little taupe corduroy of celluloid gives you everything from exploding ninjas to blistering hot women to a dancing Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris can tap dance through a minefield… wearing clown shoes).

You can find The Browning, aka The Octagon on most streaming services, such as Tubi or YouTube, as well as a special edition DVD, with a rousing bonus feature on how movies like The Browning, aka The Octagon, changed Hollyweird for the better (Chuck Norris does not misspell anything; Merriam-Webster will just change the word). So pull down those burnt umber curtains, warm up some gas station moo goo gai pan, and watch this Chuck Norris international terrorism ninja classic and remember… it takes Chuck Norris just 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes

About Ian Klink

As a filmmaker, writer, and artist, Ian Klink’s work includes the feature film Anybody’s Blues, his thesis film adaptation of Stephen King’s The Man Who Would Not Shake Hands, and the short story Aurora’s Pond for The Creeps Magazine. Klink shares his talents as a teacher of Computer Technology and Video Production in Pennsylvania.

View all posts by Ian Klink

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